Lady Parts

Before WAP, We had Samantha Bee

From way back in June of 2018. Simpler times!

When have Victorian values ever helped women? Besides giving us things like slut shaming and she deserved it, prudishness brought us the idea that women aren’t supposed to like sex and vulgarity. But I like vulgarity. And sex. It came to me naturally. Yet it’s mostly other women who try to shame me for it. I don’t understand why we allow ourselves to be controlled that way. It’s not the vocabulary of Locker Room Talk that hurts us, it’s the rape culture-- it’s seeing women as objects to be taken, to be used. Would our opinion of Donald Trump be any different had he said, “Grab them by the junk”? Predatory behavior is vile. Boasting about it is worse. The word pussy is a delight.

Pussy, pussy pussy.

Our culture likes penises a lot. I can say what a dick, I can plop a wiener out here right now, or say cock, Johnson, or willie. There are so many of them, yet I can’t think of one that’s too hot to handle. We have phallic symbols everywhere, too, monuments to the male anatomy. George Washington has at least thirty, with the largest in the world erected in our nations’ capitol. We toss the word suck around all the time too, but sucks is short for sucks my sausage, people. We can overlook that, and cruelty to the most vulnerable of us, but by Jove, don’t you dare bring anything as foul as lady parts into the conversation.

The controversy over Samantha Bee’s word choice is a convenient excuse to appear moralistic when acting immorally. Instead of empathizing with women who have nowhere else to go, our government decided to punish them, traumatizing them on purpose by separating them from their children. But what we’re talking about is silencing a woman for her word choice. The word, used by a woman, describes part of a woman’s body. But it is a vile word, vile because women’s bodies are unspeakable, disgusting.

All the words we have for women’s anatomy are too offensive to utter in public, except maybe tuna taco, but who is it too offensive to? Us delicate ladies who bleed every month but don’t die, who go through enormous pain to give birth, who grind through low status and less pay so we can beat ourselves up for not being pretty enough? Us Ladies? You’re kidding me, right? Is it our grandmothers who endured a lifetime of full-on patriarchy that are too weak to suffer words? I think we can handle it. I’m sitting here with a vagina in my lap right now, and my computer hasn’t broken down, the sun is shining, and the world is still spinning on its axis. There’s nothing wrong with women or our body parts, nothing wrong with giving them pet names, either. Stephen Colbert is already over exposed, so I’m calling mine Cunty McCuntface.

But that’s not the real story here. The Trump presidency has given one businesswoman a great deal of power and influence. Ivanka Trump is in a position to help other women, with an array of choices available to her. She could pay her factory workers a living wage, or perhaps she could manufacture luxury goods in the U.S.A, where her dad is president, where she is a citizen. She might talk ol’ pops into doing that too. For the people. For her sisters out here, trying to scrape by. She could talk to Daddy about immigration policy, and why it’s traumatic to take children away from their mothers. There are so many things she could do as the alleged moral compass of the Trump administration. Not doing anything is a real dick move.

In fact, it sucks.